I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
