Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
