I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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