I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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