I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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