I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
