Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
