You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
