I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
