nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
