Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
