You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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