Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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