I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
