note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize