just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
