I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
