totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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