my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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