You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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