Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
