Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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