Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like a drive thru vagina
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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