If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize