Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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