I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
