I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
