just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
