Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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