Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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