I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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