I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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