please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
