i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't put those talents on a resume
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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