I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
