Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
