I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
