I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
