I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize