she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
