Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
