tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
