I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
