I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
