This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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