Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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