i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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