Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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