I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
