There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
