you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
