I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
