She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
