mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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