UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
