I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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