I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
