I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
