They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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