I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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