Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize