i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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