My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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